Daily Specials

Friday, July 22, 2011

• Just returned last night from four consecutive you’ve-got-100%-of-our-attenti0n days with kids vacationing in South Dakota. Is it too much to ask that they go outside today and entertain themselves for 12-14 hours?
  

  The brood at Reptile Gardens.

• Kick Ass Wife to Slim: “That could very well be the most annoying sound I’ve heard in my life.” Talk about a feather in a 7-year-old’s cap (or stripe on his clone trooper’s helmet). Apparently she’s unfamiliar with Lloyd Christmas.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

• Letting P-Motion loose at a beach? Gone. Your only chance of keeping him within shouting distance is a shock collar. But batteries get expensive for those things.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

• Seagulls at the beach are like squirrels at the park: they hone in on your weakness and then relentlessly swarm you until they get what they want. So I guess they’re both like kids.

• Hellcat: “Daddy, how did all the sand get on the beach?” When your kids ask you questions like that, you just smile, tussle their hair, and give them a piece of saltwater taffy, hoping that they’ll forget they asked you. But they won’t.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

• Left Oregon coast at noon on Friday and drove straight through, arriving home at 7:00 AM this morning. This wasn’t a macho thing. This was a prospect-of-8-hours-of-silence-in-the-car-while-the-kids-sleep-is-a-good-motivator-to-down-a-5-Hour-Energy-and-3-cups-of-coffee thing. Because if I heard the Kidz Bop version of “Dynamite” one more time, I was going to pull the wheel hard-left into oncoming traffic.

• Got home to find that Hopper the Bastard Rabbit was still alive. Apparently when I winked and told our friends who were caring for him that it’d be a shame if he “disappeared” while we were gone, they thought I just had something in my eye.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

• Tax Credit #4 started off the day with a full-fledged tantrum because he wanted a  pull-up that had Lightning McQueen on it instead of the one he was sporting that featured Mater. So we changed it. Picking battles…

• Slim: “Dad, did they have thumb wars when you were a kid?” It’d be cool to be part of the generation that could say, “Back in my day, we didn’t have fancy-schmancy things like opposable thumbs.”

• If you want the kids out of the house for a few hours, remind them that your neighbors got a new kitten.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

• We got rid of some baby items today, including the high chair. We had at least one kid in that high chair for seven straight years. Seriously, it was a little emotional to say goodbye.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

• P-Motion wandered out blurry-eyed and naked this morning holding his swimming trunks, and he was VERY happy to see us, if you know what I mean. “Mom, why is it doing this?” he asked, yanking his stiffened little friend around like a drunken caddy trying to pull the pin out of the hole. KAW looked at me then buried her head in a blanket. I went outside.

• An actual text sequence:

KAW: Kids will be asleep by 6:30. Do not come home before then. Hope your day was great.

Me: Really? 6:30? You are smoking dope. But I’ll stay away so you can live in your drug-induced fantasy land a bit longer. Say hi to Snoop Dogg while you’re there.

KAW: Bite me.

Me: That’s what she said.

KAW: Yes, that is what I said.

She texted at 7:07 to say they were asleep.

I told her it wouldnt be 6:30. Pothead.

Friday, August 12, 2011

• The six of us slept in our new (to us) camper tonight for the first time. It’s parked out behind the house. No need to travel to the wildlife; we’ve got enough right here.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

• Rode in to town this morning hauling Hellcat and #4 in the bike trailer. Went to the lumber store, Puffy Muffins for breakfast (Perkins), the library, and the park for ice cream, then headed home. A lot of fun. Amazing how different the dynamic is when you only have two of the four. And fortunately it was the lightest two, because riding home was a bitch.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

• Taking the fence down around our yard. We’re going free-range kids. It’s not like it ever kept them in the yard anyway.

Monday, August 15, 2011

• Slim wandered out at 4:45 this morning, ate a yogurt, and went back to bed. That’s my boy.

• Perpetual Motion, Slim, and I met KAW’s dad tonight and went to a minor league baseball game. Final line for the home team: 12 runs, 17 hits, 2 errors, 50 times of me saying “Quit climbing on that thing and get over here!” The boys had a blast, but they were only vaguely aware that there was a baseball game being played.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

• I am currently reading two books (not as I type this): The Bedwetter, Sarah Silverman’s autobiography, and Mount Rushmore, the story of the monument’s construction, by Gilbert C. Fite. The two works are practically companion pieces.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

• Ate at a restaurant tonight that was offering a 2 lb. porterhouse as one of the specials. I asked the waitress if you got a free t-shirt if you finished the whole thing. She didn’t seem to find that as funny as I did.

•  I showed some real self-constraint and did not order the porterhouse. KAW gave me an approving smile on behalf of our septic tank.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

• KAW and I went downtown this evening and listened to The Craft Brothers. Coincidentally, these brothers’ parents live right across the lane from us and know our kids really well (perhaps more than they’d like at times) and take really good care of them. It was an awesome night. Live music played outdoors just sounds better, and any time we get to hear The Craft Brothers, it’s a treat. All three of the brothers play multiple instruments, sing, are funny: they’re just the types of talented guys who make you feel inadequate. Jerks. Here’s a sampler from a festival they played last summer (and coincidentally it starts off with KAW’s favorite, “Wagon Wheel”).

8/19/11

• Kick Ass Wife left this morning with three friends to run a half marathon Sunday in Vail. My parting words: “Remember, if you ain’t first, you’re last.”

• Slim and P Motion have been with grandparents since Tuesday, so it’ll be the Hellcat, Tax Credit #4, and myself flying solo until Sunday. Tonight we headed out for a bike ride, something we’ve been doing a lot of lately. Hellcat and #4 ride along in the bike trailer while I churn away on my cyclocross bike. They love it. And not surprisingly, Hellcat is the classic backseat driver: “Dad, you didn’t stop at that stop sign.”

• After returning from our bike ride, we built a fire and had ice cream. In the words of #4: “Booyeah!”

8/27/11

• A conversation while camping with friends this weekend:

Hellcat: Daddy, would it hurt if a bee stung you on your head?

Me: What do you think? (After seven years of these types of conversations, I’ve pretty much abandoned the there-are-no-dumb-questions mindset and have resorted to sarcasm.)

Hellcat: I think a bee sting would really hurt your head since you don’t have any hair on it.

Me: Touché.

One way to avoid bee stings to the head.

8/30/11

• The boys started school today: Slim in second grade, Perpetual Motion in kindergarten. It struck me that there will be one year when all four of our kids are in elementary school at the same time. Holy shit. Isn’t there something in the Geneva Convention about having to sit through four elementary Christmas programs?

• My conversation with P Motion after day one:

Me: So how was your first day of kindergarten.

PM: Good. I didn’t get sent to the principal’s office. And I got Skittles.

Me: Well, that’s good.

9/2/11

• It’s probably safe to say that I am the only person in America who was sporting a coat of yellow face paint before 9 AM today who does not receive a check from Barnum and Bailey. Hellcat was working her magic early this morning.

9/13/11

• A conversation while driving tonight:

Slim: “Dad, is beef jerky made of cow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Slim: “Then I really like cows.”

Tax Credit #4: “Oh, yeah!”

 9/14/11

• If you’re scoring at home, last night I was squeezed out of my own bed by the 2-year-old, then tossed out of the 2-year-old’s bed by the 7-year-old. The exceedingly rare 2-7-2 double play.

• School pictures tomorrow for Slim and P Motion, and KAW will be out of town. Wonder if there is any chance that I could have those powder blue and bright orange tuxes Lloyd and Harry wear in Dumb and Dumber overnighted?

9/17/11

Pepperoni pizza, red Jello, chocolate pudding, and bubblegum ice cream: Slim makes the most of the Chinese buffet.

~~~~~

Slim: “Dad, I have to go the bathroom, too, but you’d better go first because I know you adults have a hard time holding it.”

9/20/11

Batman standing along the shoreline of the Cape of Unmatched Socks. It lies just south of the Island of Misfit Toys.

• 

  How does this happen?

5/18/12

TAX CREDIT #4: “Mom said I could have a big one.”

ME: “Of anyone, your mom should know that isn’t very likely.”

He was referring to having a full apple, but I couldn’t let it pass.

5/22/12

ME: “Do you think you’d like to try gymnastics?”

HELLCAT: “No.”

ME: “Why not?”

HELLCAT: “I’d be scared to ride a bike across a rope.”

ME: “You may be thinking of acrobatics.”

HELLCAT: “What’s that?”

ME: “Riding a bike across a rope.”

Regardless of the confusion, Hellcat’s response was disappointing. I had been thinking gymnastics might be a gateway activity that could lead to a potentially lucrative career in circus arts for the little freak, but I guess not.

8/23/12

Pretty sure the turtle has the same look on its face.

9/26/12

Tax Credit #4: “Mommy, does everyone have a brain?” KAW: “Yes.” (Pretty sure she glanced in my direction before answering.) Tax Credit #4: “Does everyone have a brain when they poop?” KAW: “Uhhh…” Of course. That’s where some of my only best thinking takes place.

4/22/13

Tax Credit #4: “Dad, wanna play the I See game?”

Me: “Sure.”

Tax Credit #4: (Pokes me in the eye.) “I see your eye.”

Me: “Fun game.”