Disappointing how non-homely these pics from last year turned out.
Slim, Perpetual Motion, and the Hellcat have school pictures today, so I’m reposting this piece from September 2010 when Slim was a first grader and Kick Ass Wife and I were just getting indoctrinated as parents into the racket scam tradition that is school pictures.
Also, I recently did a piece for NickMom called “School Picture Packages in the Real World,” which describes in finer detail the package options available to parents these days.
If you’ve ever wondered what an image of your child would look like tattooed on Adam Levine’s forearm, it’s worth a click. The graphics team really knocked it out of the park on this one. You can go here to check it out.
Have a great Picture Day Friday, everyone. Hoping your hair is extra matted down, your shirt gets a stain on it resembling North America both in shape and surface area, and that you walk around all day with a huge chunk of bacon stuck between your front teeth.
A or B?
So last week Slim brought home his picture packet, which looked only slightly less imposing than an application for a first-time home loan. Thinking that it may be easier to use the company’s website, I jumped online.
It wasn’t. There were actually more options available, which didn’t seem possible.
I remember the whole picture thing being pretty cut-and-dried when we were in grade school. As far as packages, there were two choices:
Package A (Economy): 1 – 8 x 10 / 2 – 5 x 7 / 4 – wallets
Package B (Excess): 8 – 8 x10 / 16 – 5 x 7 / 1200 – wallets
If your parents loved you, they’d pawn off something of value and order B just to make you feel important, even though there was no chance in hell they could possibly give away all those pictures.
You definitely didn’t want to be the only kid in line comparing picture packets whose parents hadn’t selected B. Your family didn’t have enough relatives/friends to send more than two 5 x7’s and a couple of wallets to? Really? Package A may as well have been called “The Leprosy Package.”
On the other hand, Slim’s picture packet had package options A through Q, ranging from the “Mom Washes and Reuses Ziplock Baggies Package” to the “Second Home Mortgage Package,” which includes a bronze bust of your child and a Fathead.
We finally settled on G, the “Equivalent to One Year of Junior College Tuition Package.”
I Think We’ll Go with the Blue Screen
After consulting our financial advisor and making our package choice, we moved on to backgrounds, which was a lot like standing and staring at the paint samples’ display at Home Depot with a glazed look on your face and drool hanging from your lower lip.
There are a dizzying array of backgrounds available online, including 304 color shades with names like “Individual Amazon Rain Forest Leaf in Direct Sunlight Green” and “Three-Day Dead Goldfish Orange.”
Kindergarten Slim featuring the ever-popular “Hippie Commune Barn” background.
Parents can also choose superimposed background scenery like “Cloudy Sky” or “Mountain Range” or “Hurricane Katrina.”
For those families desiring a less-traditional look, background images such as “God’s Glaring Over Your Shoulder and He Looks Pissed,” “Delivery Room: The Money Shot,” or “Prison Cell: You May As Well Get Used to It” are also available.
When we were in elementary school, I remember the background color palette consisting of two pull-down projector screens — blue and gray – and you had no say in which one you’d get.
You just walked over, plopped down on the carpeted box, and picked your nose while the photographer pulled down one of the two screens, basing his decision solely on which would make you look homlier because that was his job.
People are supposed to look like dopes in their elementary pictures. Hell, I’m sure every time my dad took out his wallet-size image of me and showed it to his co-workers they said all the right things — “You have a kid?” – but what they were really thinking was What a homely-looking little turd, which was a serious feather-in-the-cap for the photographer.
That’s why looking back at people’s elementary school pictures is so fun. Everybody looks like a dufus, and we can bond through our dufusness.
Is this a GQ shoot?
Unbelievably, “Retouching” is another option available to parents today.
This has to make your kid feel good. It’s like checking “De-Uglify.”
Plus, I’m thinking that I’ve already paid medical professionals quite handsomely for that Harry-Potter-like scar zig-zagging down my kid’s forehead, so it’d better damn well be in his picture.
Instead of “Retouching,” maybe they should just have an option where they’ll send you photographs of a better-looking kid instead:
“Hey, Dad. We got our pictures back today, but they made a mistake. They gave me someone else’s.”
“No, that’s what we ordered. Just hand ‘em over, Shrek Boy, and get outside. I need to get one of these sent off to your Grandma.”
School pictures. Memories that last a lifetime… if you’re lucky.
I remember when the cool colored laser background came out. You had to get that. We used to trade our wallets like Pokemon cards, Gotta catch ‘em all!
Just imagine if there was a Pokemon background? Boom.
I love school photos! And the awkward ones are the best. Funny post!
Thanks! If there’s one thing I know about, it’s awkwardness.
Man, wait until you see the madness of high school pictures and yearbooks. You’ve still got both kidneys, right? You’ll be fine.
Let the harvesting commence.
The school pictures have gotten crazy, haven’t they?! My dudes had their pictures taken last week and it was dizzying with so many random backgrounds. Just the grey background works for me! I laughed out loud at your “Hippie Commune Barn” background! Too true!
We went one grey and two browns.
Awkward School Photos could so be its own site.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/08/awkward-family-photos-school-photos_n_954299.html#s353588&title=Suspension_of_Disbelief
Man – we take pictures at registration in August. When it’s crazy hot. And who the heck was watching my 3rd spawn while I helped 2nd spawn with her pictures? She is slumped over and looks half asleep. Really? This is what I paid a third of the national debt for?
Yeah – she’s having retakes on Monday.
Just so painful to shell out the $ for bad pics. But, my kids give me grief for not wanting to buy them! Clearly it is an indicator of parental love!
Just wanted you to know that you’ve been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award
http://wp.me/p2wkob-2q
Thanks!
Yes!!! This post is so great!!!! Memories…unfortunately, my parents would never buy the pictures. My dad was somewhat of an artist and he used to insist that his pastel portraits of me were good enough. (Try making that into a wallet size…)
My daughter just had picture day. Coincidentally, it was also spaghetti and meatballs day. You can do the math …
Good Lord. I had no idea school photos were that complicated these days.
Can you imagine what the high school senior portraits will be like!? They’ll become modeling sessions. Oh, wait. We’re there now.
We rarely bought our children’s school pictures. I had three fine Olympus cameras and a great set of lenses. Then we got an early model Olympus digital camera and we had less reason still to put up with the lousy photos from school.
Take a couple of nice pictures of your children while they are happily playing. Those will be valued forever. School pictures will only remain as a reminder that you allowed yourself to get conned.
Oh God, so funny!
Last years photo of my normally angelic looking blond haired girl, was somewhat marred, as on the way to school on photo day, two of her front teeth fell out.
So we have an adorable photo of Victoria with swollen, red gums with a bit of spit and dribble on her chin!
I’ve stuffed it in the drawer with all the other horrors…
“Instead of “Retouching,” maybe they should just have an option where they’ll send you photographs of a better-looking kid instead”
Like your sense of humor, reading your posts is so easy and addictive. Wonder what your kids will think of these posts when they grow older.