I’m still not sure how, but as I drove Slim and Perpetual Motion to school this morning, the conversation from the backseat suddenly veered to babies.
P-MOTION: Dad, do they sometimes have to cut the mom and take the baby out?
ME: Yes.
P-MOTION: Why?
ME: Sometimes there are complications with the baby or the mom and they have to get the baby out right away.
P-MOTION: But they don’t have to cut all moms to get the baby out?
ME: No.
P-MOTION: So it probably doesn’t hurt when moms have babies but don’t have to get cut.
Me: No, I think it actually hurts quite a bit.
Especially with a pumpkin head like yours, I thought.
Perpetual Motion shortly after being pooped into this world.
And then there was a lull. I could hear little 5-year-old wheels turning inside that massive pumpkin head. I knew what was coming next.
P MOTION: So how do babies come out of moms if they aren’t cut out?
Oh, sweet Jesus. Still five minutes to the dropoff point. I was just praying for a deer to come sprinting out of a field and slam into the side of the truck to provide a distraction. But it didn’t happen. I was going to have to address this.
ME: Well… hey, which Toy Story movie is your favorite?
And by “address this” I mean change the subject. But it didn’t work.
P-MOTION: Dad, how do the babies get out?
ME: They just come out.
Smooth, right?
Then Slim whispered something and the two ruffians in the back started snickering.
P-MOTION: Dad, do they get pooped out?
Laughter erupted. There was no chance of recovery at this point, so I went with it.
ME: Yeah, they sort of get pooped out.
And then the boys lost it, and a constant barrage of “FTTTTHHHPPTTTT! Oooh, I had a big baby!” followed by uncontrollable giggles marked the rest of our drive to school.
You’re welcome, biology teachers.
*****
Slim will most likely write something about babies getting pooped out in the near future, but for now you can read another of his treasures over at Stuff Kids Write. I found this one when I was wading through his backpack. But be warned: it’s not for the squeamish.
Not that a discussion of babies getting pooped out is really for the squeamish, either.
I have no doubt my son will say the same thing one day.
For now, he seems to think the babies come out the mother’s throat, and I don’t have the fortitude to correct him.
Tech Support knows all about babies and how they are made. He’s 12. He’d better know; that said, you saw my recent post about the next question? About how he plans to remain a virgin until he is married. Like I did.
Um…
Wow.
Almost ran off the road.
Employed a similar distraction tactic.
Am now driving faster and playing the radio louder.
Thanks for the preview of what’s coming next. I think I need to pick up Dr. Berman’s book about talking to kids about sex so that I’ll be prepared.
My sister shut down the conversation with her boys by saying, “The babies come down the birth canal!” with such authority that they didn’t forumulate any follow up questions.
Then, I’m pretty sure she asked them about Toy Story.
Duh.
Because that’s genius.
Also, I’m dying about Renee’s comment right now.
A virgin like you.
I remember asking my mom if she was a virgin when she got married.
I still need to get some ear bleach…
Formulate. Not forumlulate.
I think forumulate is what my mom did before marriage. Or something.
Hilarious! This is why I leave The Boy’s Body Book and The Girl’s Body Book laying around. I hope they’ll read about it instead of asking me for information. It’s too bad parents don’t have a remote control to cue a good distraction like said deer running into a car.
You know, there is a slight glimmer of truth in the pooping the baby out. I mean, there is often poop involved. Just saying…
Awkward questions from my 6 year old:
(at the age of 4) — How did the baby get there?
(referring to the feminine products I was packing for a recent trip) — I know you use those in the bathroom. What are they for?
As to her birth, poop was a contributing factor in the decision to cut her out.
I love it! I can just picture you purposely putting the car in the ditch to avoid the conversation. LOL
I told my boys that babies come down a special passage called the birth canal, like a train goes through a tunnel. Then they started thinking of trains…and the conversation was done. Boo-yah.
Agreed….hilarious!
Leave it to P-Motion to come up with that.
If only it were that easy
Very cute.
Very smooth my friend . . . . very smooth hahaha