Oprah now has her OWN channel. Up next: her OWN currency.
It is common knowledge that Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful woman on the planet. And the second most powerful human, trailing only Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg. And the third most powerful creature or entity, behind Zuckerberg and Godzilla.
For God’s sake, the woman launched her own television network last month! (By the way, Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels is featured on Oprah Presents Master Class, and it is must-see-TV.) Oprah’s channel should provide a tidy little nest egg for her after she closes up shop on her critically-acclaimed talk show in September, which has aired in every country on Earth for 25 years, as well as the other eight planets in the solar system and 48 of the 63 moons orbiting Jupiter.
(A handful of reputed scientists suggest that Pluto was actually kicked to the galactic curb because it refused to carry Oprah, calling the program “overrated and self-indulgent.” Clearly, that was a poor choice.)
Did I mention that her new television network is called OWN?
So Oprah is crazy wealthy and all-powerful, and by all accounts a generous philanthropist and dignified humanitarian. Hell, I professed my love for the woman back on World Gratitude Day, and I’m sticking to it. She’s the real deal.
What few people realize, though, is how versatile Oprah is. For instance, did you know that she narrated the 11-part Life series which aired on Discovery Channel last year? For those unfamiliar with this program, you are missing out. Just ask Perpetual Motion, our 5-year old resident biologist. We have the entire series recorded on DVR, and he has watched each episode to the point of verbatim memorization.
A few days ago, as P Motion was watching the “Amphibians and Reptiles” episode (again), a segment came on showing incredible footage of an unbelievably tiny toad.
“How much does that toad weigh?” I asked from the kitchen.
“Dad, he said that toad weighs less than a paper clip,” replied P Motion, a bit disgustedly, clicking the quick review button on the DVR remote as proof (sadly, all of our children are capable of that).
“Who is ‘he?’” inquired Kick Ass Wife, who was sitting at the table.
“The guy who is talking on TV,” said P Motion.
“Honey, that’s not a he. It’s a she.”
“No it isn’t. It’s a boy’s voice.”
Besides always moving (you could get motion sickness watching him watch television) and being smart as a whip, P Motion can also be a bit stubborn (not unlike COUGH COUGH his COUGH mother COUGH COUGH). This had the potential to get interesting.
“The person talking on the television is a woman, Reed.”
“How do you know?” The classic kid question. P Motion hit the quick review again, giving his mom a chance to clear up her gender misconceptions.
Kick Ass Wife, through only slightly clenched teeth and in a voice a few decibels below the kids-out-of-bed-for-the-fifth-time roar, said, “I…just…know.”
P Motion watched and listened again. “No. That’s a boy voice.”
“Reed, the person talking on TV is a woman named Oprah Winfrey! She has a talk show and she is probably one of the richest people in the world!” (I was going to add that she has her own television network, as well, but it didn’t seem that important at the time.)
P Motion kind of shrugged and continued watching television, seemingly waving the white flag. Or maybe not.
“Did she get rich because she can talk like a boy?”
Little-known fact: Oprah built at least part of her empire by doing male voice-over work for award-winning nature documentaries.
Who knew?
*Image courtesy of www.oprah.com.
(Any memorable “discussions” with your kids lately? Have you watched OWN yet? Do you think that if Oprah and Mark Zuckerberg teamed up, they could take Godzilla?)
Perpetual Motion has uncovered The Mystique d’Oprah! Groovy.
Very, very funny post. Did I mention very?
I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger on her popularity, but I think that he nailed it.
I knew Oprah had some kind of secret trick — the rest of us were just too caught up in the Oprah-ness of her to see it. Very similar to that naked emperor. P-Motion figured it out for all of us and I’m going to practice my boy voice today.
Also, I asked David your Godzilla question. His answer: “I don’t know who those people are but they can’t take Godzilla.” I’m sure he’ll ask me later to look up the Godzilla vs. Oprah movie on Amazon.
Very funny post, Chase!
Oprah-ness. She does have a sort of Oprah aura, doesn’t she? Things just seem cooler when she does them. Book clubs have been around forever, but when she slapped her name on it, game over. She could probably sell Oprah hammers that people hit themselves in the head with to bring on spiritual enlightenment and make millions.
I’m with David: no contest.
I’m going to check at Amazon for a Godzilla vs. Oprah movie. That would be incredible.
If anyone stands a chance at taking out Godzilla, it’s Oprah.
She could probably give Godzilla a good tongue-lashing and guilt him into a submissive hold for a time, but I think that eventually he would just step on her.
I really liked Oprah when she first started her talk show…she’s an excellent interviewer, and does a great job of making guests feel comfortable (and I prefer the “man voice” to fluffy newswomen who talk like little girls). However, she lost me when she started on the whole “New Age” path…that’s when she stopped being “real” to me.
Our digital TV service is running free previews of OWN shows…I refuse to watch them!
I’ve got to get that “Life” series…wanted to watch it, but missed every episode when it was on!
Fun post, Chase!
Wendy
I’ve never actually watched an episode of Oprah. I saw some highlights of Tom Cruise wetting himself on her couch once, but that’s about it.
The Lorne Michaels thing was terrific, however. But I’m a big SNL fan.
And Life is amazing. Admittedly, I watch them over and over with P Motion, too. And Oprah is a very good narrator, boy voice notwithstanding.
Love that PM. In our house, William teaches me about dinosaurs. The boy has perfected the look-like-he’s-not-listening-but-take-it-all-in approach to life. I don’t know if it’ll get him very far, but it is disarming…
That look is probably better than the pretend-like-he’s-listening-intently-but-in-reality-has-no-clue-what-was-said-in-the-last-five-minutes look, also known as the dopey husband head nod.
FUNNY! I’ve taken to internally calling mine “cave boy”.
What’s the story with “cave boy?”
I think the real question is, if Oprah and Mark Zuckerberg both sent a basket of bunnies to Godzilla for his FarmVille farm, who would he unfriend first?
That was funnier than anything in my post.
Everything in life comes back to FarmVille, doesn’t it?
“Did she get rich because she can talk like a boy?”
Great line! And that explains a lot. Also, thanks for the tip on Pluto. I’m teaching astronomy stuff tomorrow and that will come in handy.
I have other astronomical theories if needed. I’m not positive astronomical is a word.
You need to send this to Oprah’s people. If you ever had a chance to get recognized by her majesty, this is it. Since her show is almost done, she probably won’t make time to invite PM to see it, but I really think you need to introduce the kids to Ellen now. As I’m sure you know, she’s the voice of Dorrie on “Finding Nemo,” so you have a point of reference for them. If you can get video of them saying something really cute about Ellen, I bet you could send it to her producers and get it on her show!
Great idea. My people are going to be in contact with her people. I’ve always wanted to say that. Now I just need to find some people.
HI CHASE – I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE ONE OF YOUR PEOPLE AND I COULD PROBABLY GATHER A FEW FRIENDS TO BE YOUR PEOPLE TOO. DOES THAT SCARE YOU?
I LIKE OPRAH BUT I CAN SEE WHERE PM MIGHT THING SHE HAS A BOY VOICE.
I LOVE MY P MOTION!
LOVE,
MOM
HI, MOM. SO YOUR PEOPLE COULD BE MY PEOPLE TO CONTACT HER PEOPLE? THAT MAKES SENSE.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT “I LOVE MY P MOTION” IS PRETTY FUNNY, RIGHT?
LOVE,
SON
NO IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.
NO I DIDN’T RELIZE HOW FUNNY UNTIL I RE-READ WHAT I WROTE.
LOVE,
MOM
NATURAL HUMORISTS ARE LIKE THAT. THEY DON’T EVEN REALIZE WHEN THEY ARE BEING FUNNY. HUMOR JUST OOZES OUT OF THEM LIKE SILENT GAS.
LOVE,
SON
You know, now that you menton it, she does sound like a boy. Very perceptive, that 5 year old.