Last night, as Tax Credit #4 and I enjoyed a little daddy/toddler recliner time, I flipped over to the NFL Network to see what sort of hard-hitting analysis was taking place less than 24 hours before the NFC and AFC Championship Games. Leading up to kickoff, the entertainment value on those studio shows increases dramatically as the “experts” search for that exclusive little nugget to offer up to viewers.
Let’s send it out to our moderately attractive female reporter, who is in Pittsburgh at the Jets’ team hotel.
Thanks, guys. Earlier today, I examined stool samples from New York’s defensive linemen, and it appears that each ate several whole chickens, bones and all, over the last 12 hours. Clearly, they’re hoping that voracious appetite will help them devour Pittsburgh’s running game.
Also, I talked to Mark Sanchez’s mother in the elevator about 15 minutes ago, and she told me that as a 4-year old, her son threw almost 500 touchdown passes to imaginary receivers in their backyard. Guys, if that’s any indication, the Steelers’ secondary could be in for a long day, and the Jets could be looking at a treat that’s a whole lot sweeter than juice boxes and some of Mrs. Sanchez’s homemade chocolate chip cookies: a trip to Dallas for Super Bowl XLV. From Pittsburgh, I’m moderately attractive. Back to you.
Are you ready for some football? "No."
This was a perfect opportunity to talk a little pigskin with my almost 2-year old. His vocabulary may be limited to one word (“No”), but it does have two meanings (a “No” that means “No” and a “No” that actually means “Yes”). Tax Credit #4 keeps the playbook simple when it comes to conversation, but the kid knows a hell of a lot about football, and pretty much everything else.
“So what do you think: was that reporter moderately attractive?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so either. I’ve only got eyes for one woman who handles fecal matter, and that’s your mom. Which reminds me: did she ever find that Hungry Hungry Hippo marble?”
“No.”
“Don’t worry. It too shall pass. Good one, eh?”
“No.”
“You’re right. Too obvious. Speaking of passing, how about Aaron Rodgers? That guy is on fire. Do you think he’s the best quarterback in the league right now?”
“No.”
“Me, too. He’s just got that sort of moxie to him, you know? Tom Brady-like in a non-Justin Beiber sort of way, and Peyton Manning-like in a non-I-always-look-like-I’m-constipated sort of way. Rodgers doesn’t have the hardware that those two possess, but if he can take Green Bay all the way to the Super Bowl, with the injuries that team has had throughout the season and to do it by winning three playoff games on the road, he’ll have supplanted both of those guys as the premier QB. Plus, Rodgers looks like he’s having fun out there. Don’t you love that?”
“No.”
“I do, too. The guy sitting at home trying to watch the game with four little kids hanging off of him begging him to change the channel to Wonder Pets is the one who should have a grimace on his face, not the guy getting paid millions to play a game. Ironically, Rodgers reminds a lot of another #4 in that regard. When he was wearing the yellow and green, Brett Favre always looked like he was having fun. But man, the last two seasons that guy took a beating; he was a human piñata. At least the purple jersey accentuated all of the bruising. You called it on that Vikings-Favre-Moss thing, didn’t you?”
“No.”
“Damn right, you did. That whole thing in Minnesota imploded quicker than one of our family trips to Walmart, just like you predicted. And now I read that the Vikings might be going after Vince Young? Really? That’s a good idea on the heels of the Favre-pocalypse?”
“No.”
“It’s a horrible idea. Alright, let’s get to it. NFC champion: Chicago?”
“No.”
“So the Pack will roll into Soldier Field, rip out the Bears’ collective heart, grind it up, stuff a bratwurst with it, eat it, and then wash it down with a Leinenkugel’s? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No.”
“As much as I love Bill Swerkski’s Super Fans (Da Bears) and the Blues Brothers, I’m with ya. Rodgers, Clay Fabio, and the Cheesehead Nation head south to Dallas in two weeks. Now, I was fully behind the Steelers to take out New York in the AFC, but then I saw that Hulk Hogan endorsed the Jets and trash-talking linebacker Bart Scott, who had two total tackles in last week’s win over New England. How can you pick against the former WWF champ? If I could find something in the news saying that Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka had texted Troy Polamalu telling him and the Steelers to go top turnbuckle on Rex Ryan and company, maybe I could pick Pittsburgh. But you’ve gotta go with the Hulkster, right?”
“No.”
“Pittsburgh?”
“No.”
“Alright, the Steel Curtain overcomes the mojo provided by the veteran of the steel cage match. You usually throw a 35-yard strike to the back of the end zone on these things, #4. Odds are, you’re right. Okay, how about these odds: 100-to-1, I can hold off the four-child blitz long enough to watch one of the two championship games in its entirety.”
“No.”
“1000-to-1?”
“No.”
“1,000,000-to-1?”
“No.”
“So you’re telling me there’s a chance. Yes! Those odds stink, #4, but I’ll take ‘em. Hey, something really does stink. Did you just spike one in your diaper?”
“No.”
“Well, luckily you snuck it in just before the 2-minute warning. Let’s go change that thing before you get hit with an illegal formation penalty. Illegal formation? Funny, huh?”
“No.”
This one’s got it all. Football talk, a conversation with TC#4, AND a Dumb and Dumber reference. The picture is both really cute and funny with the caption. I’m glad to hear the boy’s going with the Steelers and after listening to analysis like that it’s hard to dispute the breakdown.So, go Steelers because a) They’re my team and b) I will have fresh blog content if they advance to the Super Bowl.
There’s your fresh blog content. Should be a great Super Bowl.
Best sports analysis I’ve ever read. And the wittiest bar none.
Nothing says true love better than “I’ve only got eyes for one woman who handles fecal matter, and that’s your mom.” A modern day paraphrase of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130, perhaps.
Almost as romantic as when my husband recited John Cooper Clarke’s, “Let Me Be Your Vacuum Cleaner.” Here’s the link: http://www.lyricsvip.com/John-Cooper-Clarke/I-Wanna-Be-Yours-Lyrics.html
DH is a romantic. “I wanna be your setting lotion, hold your hair in deep devotion.” Thanks for the link.
You have a gift, Chase…I know nothing about football, but I still read this post and laughed my butt off (wish that were really possible!)…
Wendy
You don’t keep up with the Canadian league?
Nope…I do know a lot about curling, though…(and I knew a lot about hockey in the 70′s)…
Wendy
Okay, I don’t understand half the football stats you mentioned, but I still love these conversations with TC #4. I can’t wait to see what happens in this series when his vocabulary expands!
I’m pretty sure, for the sake of these posts, that he’ll never move past “No.”
I love Tax Credit #4 conversations and was so glad to see one in my inbox this morning!
“That whole thing in Minnesota imploded quicker than one of our family trips to Walmart, just like you predicted.”
Nice.
That comparison isn’t really fair to our family trips to Walmart.
As always freaking hilarious! I say you grab #4 and take him to the horse races! He seems to have large array of knowledge. Use it wisely!
He is a bit soothsayerish, that’s for sure.
I love reading the conversations with TC 4. He’s so insightful.
There are many layers with #4. Many layers.
Great post. Your son can really call it! I think the Vikings should call #4 and ask his opinion on the Vince Young pick up. I think #4′s answer would be right on.
I need to know his pick for the super bowl please so I know where to put my money!
I asked him this morning if he was ready to make a Super Bowl pick and he said, “No.”
Too funny. Go Packers, if only because Rodgers can rock a sweet ‘stache.
Okay, and because he played second fiddle to the whims of one Brett Favre (who can sell jeans like nobody’s business, I’ll give him that) without so much as one old joke. I’m all for the nice guys.
What’s #4′s prediction for the big game?
Rodgers seems like the type of guy you want on your team, that’s for sure.
My very favorite posts involve the conversations between TC#4 and his dad…they are priceless. Love you all.
Love you, too, AC.
It’s hard to pick a funniest line, but the imploding family trip to Walmart is definitely up there.
Walmart trips implode when I go solo.
Constipated or not, Peyton Manning is my favorite. What’s that? The Colts weren’t playing this weekend?? Damn.
A lot of other teams wish their quarterbacks were that constipated if they would play like Manning.
Hey, Happy Birthday, Chase!
Thanks, Jeremy. KAW made me a bitchin’ Thomas the Tank Engine cake.
Hungry Hungry Hippo marble…too funny. Great post!
I love these conversations!