Ho, ho, ho.
Hey, big guy! The last time I wrote you was probably around 1983. Although I cannot remember the exact content of that letter, I’m guessing that it sounded a lot like Slim’s from this year: I’ve been especially good so extra helpings of anything Star Wars, please. (Coincidentally, Episode VI: Return of the Jedi was released in 1983, as well as A Christmas Story, undoubtedly one of your favorites, which should be looping on TBS right…about…now.)
So it’s been a while, and, like that diaper filled with holiday cheer, things have changed. I’m 36 now. Sugar-plums dancing in my head have been replaced by visions of that one missing piece of trim in our bathroom that has been leaning in the corner behind the stool for three years. I have a job and a mortgage and ear hair. Yes, ear hair.
Speaking of hair, remember that rad bowl cut I sported back when I was a kid? Now, not so much. There isn’t a whole lot to go bowling with up there. And these days I buy my own underwear instead of waiting for you fill my stocking each year with the newest Underoos.
But by far the biggest change is that I’m a husband to a Kick Ass Wife and a father to a pack of four little reinderlets who have been straining-at-their-harnesses-excited about your impending visit for the past month. With the help of your secret operative, Willie, we’ve been able to keep their sleighs somewhat tethered, but I’m telling you, they are ready to take flight.
Truly, seeing that Christmas spirit shine in the eyes of my children, to feel the palpable joy that is ready to burst forth from them, is really all I need for Christmas.
But I’m going to ask for a few more things anyway. Here’s my list.
1. A lump of coal. Well, stoker coal, actually. Seriously. Coal in the stocking is the universal go-to threat by parents to squelch undesirable behavior, but guess what? As an adult, I own a home with a coal furnace. If you could just have the reindeer back the sleigh up to the bin out back and auger in a couple of tons, that would be sweet.
Please bring KAW some of this type of sleep.
2. A day-long hot shower for Kick Ass Wife, followed by a full body massage, capped with an uninterrupted 10-12 hours of sleep. She deserves to have that type of treatment once a week, but I know that she’d be grateful for just once.
3. No more allergies for Slim. That poor kid hasn’t ever known what it’s like to feel healthy and not itch. Oh, and a real lightsaber. What’s the worst that could happen?
4. Good health for family and friends, and comfort and peace-of-mind for those who have lost loved ones.
5. One butterfly for Perpetual Motion to catch every day, year-round. That kid is crazy about insects, and watching him in hot pursuit is one of life’s simple pleasures.
6. A wolf. I know that this isn’t especially Christmas-like, Santa, but we have this rabbit, Hopper, and, well… he needs to conveniently disappear. Between his continual pooping and wetting and spilling his water out seconds after I’ve refilled it and then dumping his food out which in turn soaks up the spilled water, turns to mush, and makes an even bigger mess, I’m done. I’ve considered simply not feeding Hopper, but that seems cruel. Instead, I thought that you could release a natural predator of rabbits into our downstairs, such as a wolf or Elmer Fudd, and let nature run its course. If the wolf devours Hopper, problem solved: Perpetual Motion and I watch The Lion King, discuss the “Circle of Life,” and move on. If Hopper evades the wolf, that’s just the way it was meant to be. Then I’ll stop feeding him.
7. The world’s tallest dining table chair for Tax Credit #4 to climb. Sir Edmund Hillary had nothing on this kid.
8. A sink full of unbreakable dirty dishes for The Hellcat to wash. Nothing makes her happier than being able to “help.”
9. Some Underoos. You know, just for old times sake.
Patience.
10. Patience. Santa, I love my four children, I really do, but I can be so incredibly impatient with them. I find myself wishing away time, and I don’t want to do that, because I know at some point in the not-so-distant future I’ll long for the day when they wanted me to read just one more chapter and lay with them for just one more minute and give them just one more hug. These days won’t come by again. They’re to be treasured.
Still, if you could keep them from climbing on the counters, that would be huge.
11. A one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club. It truely is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year through.
Well, that about does it. And as always, world peace and all that stuff.
Per the usual, milk and cookies will be on the counter, but you know that the good stuff is downstairs in the fridge. Help yourself.
Thanks, Santa.
Merry Christmas,
Chase
P.S. – Probably a large in the Underoos.
(What are you hoping Santa brings you this year? A rabbit? I know where you can get one cheap…)
**My Tweets are even less insightful than the posts on this blog. Check ‘em out at Twitter: @Chase_McFadden.
This year, the only real thing I wanted was a camera…I love how back in the day, I had a list that spanned over at least 40 items, and I desperately wanted each and every one. Nowadays, I have trouble thinking up things to actually “want.” Sure, it’d be nice to have an iPad…but do I need it? I’d love that kick-ass wireless printer…but why, when it’s $330? I rationalize myself out of wanting things…not so when you’re a child. You ask for whatever you can get, and when gifts are $10-$30, you usually got it. I could make a “fantasy” wish list! And, I might just do that today for a post…a wish list of things I’d love to have, but really know I could do with out…you’ve got my wheels turning, Clay. Great post! Hope you have a fun start to the holiday madness!
Can’t wait to read it.
And I know you meant “Chase.”
How about this, Chase: Could Hopper be accidentally undressed and fall into a steaming pot of water? I hear Wabbit Stew is tasty.
It is the season of miracles…
The ear hair thing brought back traumatic memories for me…I think I was about 34 when my hairdresser found a 3″ hair coming out of my earlobe…you know you’re old when…
My favourite is #2…hope she gets it! I’m with Perpetual Motion on #5…I like bugs too! I’m not at all sure about #6…let me know how that one works out! Note on #8…that stage doesn’t last long…take advantage of it while you can!
I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday, and that you and KAW get a little bit of time to “play Battleship.”
Wendy
Thanks, Wendy. Merry Christmas.
How about Underoos (spider man of course) and some new “rabbit slippers”? Ho Ho Ho! Hope you guys have a great Christmas!
Sounds like a terrific Christmas morning outfit. Merry Christmas to the Halleys!
So if Santa delivers you some magic Underoos that grant the wearer patience, and if it’s a three-pack, would you send me a pair? Just one? I could use a little more of that, too.
Sure. Hulk or Wonder Woman?
Nothing like some classic, large Underoos covering the ever important, highly versitile Bendaroo.
With Underoos, it’s all about coverage. Merry Christmas.
I just wanna hide in the church pews and come out when it’s all over
My children, however, want hot chocolate, cookies, Christmas candy and every item on their lists as well. Unfortunately, they have learned a thing or two about finances this year (they are 10 and 12 years). They are also working on the politeness at any disappointment they may feel when they don’t get exactly what they wanted. We’ve gained a lot of learning about character since I became unemployed and returned to school and still remain unemployed….Just think, when I finally land the affordable space in which to open my practice, it will be like we hit the lottery! As for this year they are receiving one large gift under $100 and a few unpopular practical ones….I hope they can still smile for the camera! Merry Christmas to you and your family
Merry Christmas and good luck in the coming year.
Beautifully said = “I find myself wishing away time, and I don’t want to do that, because I know at some point in the not-so-distant future I’ll long for the day when they wanted me to read just one more chapter and lay with them for just one more minute and give them just one more hug.” *Sniff*
Merry Christmas, Chase, to you, KAW, and the whole famn damily (to quote my mom)!
Thanks, IM. Merry Christmas.
Chase, I enjoy reading your blog! We got our sweet precocious daughter a precious little bunny for her sixth birthday. In February, she will be turning 15. (Where does the time go?) Guess who is still alive and kicking? You guessed it – the not-so-little bunny. There have been many times that we have prayed for “something” to take him quickly and painlessly…
As a mom that once upon a time had three little ones under the age of four, I can tell you for sure that time goes so fast! Now they are all teenagers…another great time as well. Patience is still needed, for sure, but there is definitely an awareness that sooner than not, they will be out of the house and on their own…as much as I couldn’t see that happening when we were up to our necks in diapers, bottles, crying, etc., it sure came upon us fast.
Thanks for the enjoyable posts.
Nine years?! And guess what? No wolf this morning. The things we do for our kids…
The teenage years don’t seem fathomable at this point, but I’m sure that they’ll be here before we know it.
Thanks for keeping up with the blog, Jennifer. Merry Christmas.
Loved the post, Chase! This is an exciting Xmas for us, since it is Emma’s first… and it’s our LAST one that will be somewhat sane, since she’s only 8 months old this year… I have a feeling things are going to be very, very different next year (and so on from there). Whew. Makes me tired even thinking about it
Happy Holidays to you all… Shelley
Thanks, Shelley. Hope you’re having a wonderful first Christmas with Emma. Yes, next year’s will be a little different, but really fun. And tiring. But mainly fun.
Best wishes to you and your family, Shelley.
You are a very entertaining writer, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. It was insightful, yet humorous all at once, thanks for making me smile!
Thanks for reading.
How sweet of you to ask for that for your wife and Slim!
I can’t believe you’re asking for a wolf just for your rabbit: “he needs to conveniently disappear.” Cracked me up though!
Or Elmer Fudd. But his track record isn’t reassuring.
How did I miss this?! What a fabulous post. Funny and the part at the end is so true. We just want time back to ourselves and get frustrated with how it’s lost right now but you’re right, before long we’ll wonder where it ever went and those little rapscallions will be going all Cats In The Cradle on us.
I love so many of these but #6 is great
You wrote that great piece on Houdini. I bet that he could have made Hopper disappear.
Chase, you so rock. Tonight I threatened to throw my child’s school binder in the garbage if he didn’t put it away. PUT IT AWAY. I asked him at least 20 times today. And then I read your blog. Boy, you sure have a way with words. Now I’m feeling all guilty because I was not living the moment. I was wishing my 11-year old to be 30 or something. And I don’t want that. Time is zinging along fast enough. So thank you for the reminder.
You done done it again.
I know what you mean. I have enough trouble being 30 or something myself. I need to let my kids be kids a little more.
Thanks, Renee.
Hey, have a rabbit:
She’s Litter trained and i recommend no bowls for water Mine dumps hers too. She seems to think that bowls are a convenient place for all her toys (mine bunny has OCD). Her food bowl is also too heavy to flip. That doesn’t stop her from dragging it all around her cage. BUT there’s the little hamster bottles you can buy that they lick the water from.They’re kinda noisy and my bunny–Mango– she get real thirsty from about 3:15 to 3:25 am and I sometimes do the inhumane thing and take the water bottle off her cage. *making a face that kinda resembles ‘EEk’*. I put it back on as the next chance I get…
Ours is litter-trained, too, as in he has trained himself to fling the litter all over the place. Yeah, we need to get some heavier bowls or Gorilla Glue them to the bottom of the cage. We tried one of those bottles on the side but he goes spastic on it all hours of the night and it sounds like a prison break.
How about chewing? He chewed up several different bowls and his litter box. We got him some sort of treat log to gnaw on and he seems to like it.
Thanks for the ideas, but still leaning toward wolf…
Mr. McFadden,
You actually made me laugh and made me cry in this post. You make me laugh all the time but the crying… That is a first.
Having kids has made Christmas’ so much fun. Not like 10 years ago (okay 11-14) when Christmas meant the only day that we didn’t have to go to the gym and run sprints while a certain couple of coaches were so busy talkig in the corner about their New Years Eve plans they would forget to tell us we could stop running. So I guess maybe you have made me cry before.
Thanks for the great reads and lets make it a resolution to get together sometime in 2011.
I spotted KAW at Walmart a couple of weeks ago. There were about 953 other people there too so no chance to talk to her. And she was alone so I thought she might be in a little piece of Heaven and I shouldn’t interrupt.
Thanks, Mrs. Hein. Did you spit at all while reading this post? If I could ever get a reader to laugh, cry, and spit while reading a piece I’ve written, I’d probably call it a career.
Those coaches sound like they were really concerned about your team’s cardiovascular fitness, knowing that could be the difference in a tight game. They knew what they were doing; you were really lucky to have them.
Yes, we need to get together. It’s resoluted.
“Little piece of Heaven” and “Wal-mart” have probably never appeared together in one sentence before. Congrats.
Take care, Kristen.
My Sister has 5 kids a dog and Santa brought her a Pig for Christmas…I suggested she host Easter dinner this year.
Happy New Year Chase!
I bet a rabbit would be a nice addition to that mix. Literally the Easter bunny! We ship anywhere.
Happy new year.
Great list and original post – hope you were good enough this year…
Hopper is still kickin’, so apparently I wasn’t.
Oh, I was greedily wishing for money this year – and I got some. But I have the valid reason of being student-poor.
I also got a wonderful book that I really, really wanted, which made me happy.
Loved your list, and don’t get too frustrated with the wee rabbit, it’s not his fault he’s clumsy – he’s just a little animal. Promise me he won’t go in a stew, Chase.
No stew. Just an outsides hutch, which was just as good.
This is perfect. As the KAW in our house, I’d settle for just the 10-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Seriously, that’s all I could ever dream of. Well, that and a nanny.