"Not a creature was stirring..." Except Tax Credit #4. And me.
“Tax Credit #4, did you realize it was 2:30 in the morning when you decided to take the ‘Silent’ out of ‘Night?’”
“No.”
“Is that your no-no or your yes-no? It’s hard to tell the difference, especially at this hour, because yes, it is 2:30 a.m. Thus the not-a-creature-was-stirring aura in the house. Oh well, we’re up now. You know, we haven’t had one of our talks for a while. How about I grab a cup of coffee and a sippy of milk and we catch up a bit?”
“No.”
“That’s the spirit. So, now that you’re a big 21-month old, do you still use cream and sugar, or do you take your coffee black? Hah, hah.”
“No.”
“Okay, relax, here’s your sippy cup. Hey, speaking of spirit, I’ve always said that there’s nothing like the soul-warming radiance of a lit tree to remind a person of the magic of Christmas. Man, I really missed my calling as a greetings card writer, didn’t I?”
“No.”
“You’re right. That’s as sappy as those jewelry ads they keep playing over and over on television. It might be true that ‘Every Kiss Begins with Kay®,’ but it’s an absolute fact that every triggering of my gag reflex begins with watching one of those commercial spots. No, if I wrote a holiday greetings card, it would have a picture of the Griswold’s illuminated house on the outside and then inside it would say something like, “Hope you get lit up this Christmas!” Hallmark would sell out of those babies within minutes, wouldn’t they?”
“No.”
Sherpa elf preparing to ascend.
“That’s what I love about you, TC#4: You give it to me straight. I’ll leave the greetings to the guys at someecards. Our tree does look dynamite, though. You and your siblings did a knock-out job on the ornamentation. I really didn’t anticipate you being the one to decorate the upper third of the tree, but you got ‘er done. You went at that thing like a little Sherpa elf. Impressive. I should never underestimate your ability to scale the most un-scalable structures, should I?
“No.”
“By the way, your mom feels bad that we didn’t get a “Baby’s 1st Christmas” ornament for you last year. Slim has like three of them, Perpetual Motion has a couple, even The Hellcat has one. Are you upset?”
“No.”
“Perturbed?”
“No.”
“Slightly peeved? Moderately disappointed?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think you would be. Hell, just go Todzilla on one of your siblings’ first Christmas ornaments. Yank it off the tree and mangle it like you would have your own and all will be forgotten and forgiven. Your mom just loves you crazy and doesn’t want you to ever feel like you’re fourth fiddle. You’re an invaluable member of this family and just as important to us as your three older siblings, even though we have way more pictures of them. You have your own special qualities and unique identity that make you the best Tax Credit #4 we could ever ask for. Do you understand?”
“No.”
“I knew you would. Geez, it’s not like you’re going to remember these first few years anyway. Well, unless you have ‘superior autobiographical memory’ like those people they profiled on 60 Minutes last night. Amazing. To remember specific details from every day of your life. God, wouldn’t that be miserable?
“No.”
“I think so, too. Of course, if you end up with my gift for recall, you won’t have to worry about it because I have pretty much the exact opposite condition: ‘drastically-inferior-bordering-on-nonexistent autobiographical memory.’ In fact, I thought my memory was short circuiting when I watched that 60 Minutes episode. Sweet Jesus, how are those journalists still alive? Those are the same people who hosted that show when I was a kid, with the exception of Anderson Cooper. They make him seem like an embryo. Andy Rooney? That guy looked pickled 30 years ago. But old isn’t necessarily bad, right?”
“No.”
Hey, can I mangle one of your first Christmas ornaments?
“Well, I’m glad you feel that way, because between you and me, a couple of the packages that you open Christmas morning are going to be some recycled toys that we dug out of storage. But, hey, they’ll be new to you, right?
“No.”
“Exactly, and you’ll be more interested in standing on the boxes than paying attention to what’s inside anyway. Well, we’d better get a little more shut-eye. Don’t want to get run-down, do we?”
“No.”
“Five more days until Christmas, and I’m pretty sure there will be a few late night wrapping sessions before the big day. Not that I’ll be wrapping any gifts; nobody wants that. If you saw one of my wrap jobs, you’d swear that someone must have done it who was inebriated, blindfolded, and shackled, which, coincidentally, is exactly how I plan on presenting myself to your mother on Christmas Eve as her gift. But she could probably use the moral support when she’s wrapping, right?”
“No.”
“Good point: I should just stay the hell out of the way. She gets that crazy look in her eyes when she’s in wrap mode. Well, it’s been nice catching up, Tax Credit #4. Here’s to hoping that Santa brings you everything you want, as long as what you want is that hammer-and-blocks thing that Perpetual Motion got when he was two. You ready to go back in your crib?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so.”
(Have you ever recycled gifts to your own kids? Are you the Scotch-tape-crazed wrapper or the wicked-lyrical rapper in your household? Is it morning yet?)
**Here is my new Twitter handle: @Chase_McFadden. Incredibly creative.
I’m sure KAW will truly appreciate her Christmas Eve gift. You Da’ Man!!
I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.
TXC 4 is awesome. I think you should have changed up your line of questioning to see if the answer would change. For example, “Would you like a cookie?”
TXC 4: “No. Wait, I messed up.”
He has a “no” no and a “yes” no. I probably should have explained that like I did in my first conversation with #4. The “yes” no is more spastic and high-pitched, but it looks the same in print.
“That’s what I love about you, TC#4: You give it to me straight…” I love these posts!
I can just see you two sitting there as if I were in the room. Also you managed a sherpa reference which is always impressive. Solid work good sir. Solid indeed.
Thanks, Clay. Not sure how our kids got tapped in to the Sherpa bloodline, but they all seem to have that innate ability to climb anything you’d rather they didn’t climb.
I hope TC #4 remembers this conversation because it’s golden!
We’ve re-gifted before, but never to our own kids…thanks for that idea. I thought everyone would be getting my “free hugs” coupon books this year, but I’m going to go treasure hunting in the basement now. Merry merry~
Thanks. I’d never thought about doling out hugs for free. The five-bucks-a-pop we charge our kids is probably a little steep.
I love your conversations with Tax Credit #4…for “a man of few words”, he’s pretty smart!
Thanks for the link to someecards…fun stuff (I’m sure yours would be just as clever!).
Wendy
Thanks, Wendy. You don’t think that there’s any correlation between men of few words and intelligence, do you?
Someecards are a lot of fun. I’ve offended some of my nearest and dearest friends with them.
I love your conversations with Tax Credit #4. Too cute and too funny.
You and I seem to have the same syndrome. Can’t wrap worth crap.
Thanks, Marina. Wrapping? No. Rapping? Oh, heck yeah. I’ve got mad skills. Just ask KAW. In fact, I’ll probably bust something off for her while she’s wrapping. Sort of a tribute.
So I guess KAW will not be getting the triple-heart diamond pendant this year.
No, she will not. Triple-heart? That is just going overboard. Like double isn’t enough.
You nailed it with the baby’s first Christmas ornaments! It’s no wonder first born think the world revolves around them – it’s already been-there-done-that-bought-the-T-shirt by the time the next kid shows up. But Tax Credit #4 is still young enough that you can scratch off the inscription from one of Slim’s ornaments and pass it off as his.
p.s. No one safe from regifting.
Great idea with modifying one of Slim’s. Really, how many first Christmas ornaments does one individual need? We can reornament.
I think we should start a line of snarky parenting greeting cards. Just sayin’.
I’m in.
“If you saw one of my wrap jobs, you’d swear that someone must have done it who was inebriated, blindfolded, and shackled, which, coincidentally, is exactly how I plan on presenting myself to your mother on Christmas Eve as her gift.”
I chortled.
I would buy T-Shirts if they said “Hope you get lit up this Christmas!” Heck, I already own a Griswold Christmas shirt, so consider me sold!
I’ll put you down for a hoodie, as well. Thanks, Aunt Bethany.
I happen to love hoodies!
Also…my mom would re-gift my Easter candy. She’d stick it in the freezer when I wouldn’t eat it right away, and somehow I’d always be surprised when I received it in my basket a year later…and then, I STILL didn’t eat it. I’m sure there is some chocolate still hiding in the recesses of her fridge.
Gotta love that kid. So supportive, honest, articulate. Simply amazing.
You made me laugh several times with this post, it was hilarious! Love it!
And I’m the methodical, take-my-time-in-front-of-a-Christmas-movie-classic-or-listening-to-Christmas-music sort of wrapper. It’s one of my favorite parts of the season.