Breakfast in Bed? Try Breakfast in a Bag Instead

14 May

Kick Ass Wife and her quartet.

Overnight polling results based on a random sampling of women in our household who have bore four or more children suggest that Kick Ass Wife had a thoroughly enjoyable Mother’s Day.

There were gifts, including numerous handmade cards, a cookbook with recipes from kindergarteners, a pocket prayer coin, and a Nano loaded up with new tunes to help carry Kick Ass Wife through her long runs.

There was an adventurous outing that involved bike riding, tag, and a moderate-to-severe sunburn suffered by the day’s honoree.

And there was KAW sleeping uninterrupted until 8:00 a.m. — a time roughly equivalent to noon when converted to metric parenting hours — which was only possible because there was a complete absence of serving her breakfast in bed.

But dissuading the crew from getting their pint-size Paula Deen on wasn’t easy.

It never is.

Perpetual Motion’s Recipe

Like going out of their way to step on board game boxes and putting their shoes on the wrong feet, kids enter the world preprogrammed with a deep-seated desire to cook breakfast for their mothers on the second Sunday in May.

And apparently a surprise breakfast in bed isn’t as meaningful if you don’t wake your mom at first light and alert her to the fact that you’re going to make her a surprise breakfast in bed, so around dawn I intercepted the initial wave of incoming pajama-clad bogies padding down the hallway with their sights set on our bedroom.

“Hey, guys, let’s let Mom sleep,” I whispered, attempting to reroute their flight plans to the downstairs with promises of hot chocolate and Power Rangers.

“But it’s time to start baking!” said Slim, whose interest in confectionary arts — much like mine — is typically limited to consumption the other 364 days of the year.

“Yeah, we’re going to bake Mom a strawberry cake!” piped Perpetual Motion.

“Of course we are, but let’s wait until a little later,” I assured him, telling the type of blatant lie that is a cornerstone of my parenting philosophy.

Soon after Tax Credit #4 was up and in the fray, and lastly Hellcat – whose disdain for early morning nearly rivals that of her mother’s — wandered out, shooting me a look that said “You’d better shut your pie hole and fire up that oven before things get ugly.”

But I wasn’t about to be bullied by a 5-year-old. This time.

At least one thing in this picture is sweet.

Not that I don’t get the kids’ insistence. They understand they hit the mom lottery, and they want to do something nice for her. For some crazy reason cooking seems to fit the bill.

But I know that for Kick Ass Wife, sleep truly is a gift that keeps on giving the whole year through — or at least for a couple extra hours on Mother’s Day — and she deserves no less than that. (In hindsight, the Nano was probably overkill.)

So I promised the crew that if they kept quiet and let Mom sleep, we’d go get donuts.

They did. So we did.

Because breakfast in a bag is definitely tastier than breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day.

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The Hunger-y Games

24 Mar

Soooooooooooo…

… I made another video.

The character from “Sh*t Moms Say” has been revived and is now featured in a series at NickMom called Hampered Life.

The first installment it titled ”The Hunger-y Games.”

Same Kick Ass Wife clothing. Same laundry basket. Same ungodly Daniel-Day-Lewis-in-Last-of-the-Mohicans-style wig.

Same me making an ass of myself.

If you choose to click over and check it out, thanks. I hope it provides you with a few laughs.

Why I Won’t Let My 12-Year-Old See The Hunger Games

23 Mar

We don’t have a 12-year-old. It’s been a while since I posted, but not that long.

No, our 8-year-old, Slim, is the oldest. So he’ll be staying home to watch his three siblings while Kick Ass Wife and I don our flaming unitards and head to the theater to see Katniss and the gang get all primal on one another.

And speaking of getting all primal, KAW read the entire HG trilogy in the last 10 days after I downloaded them to her phone. Pretty impressive considering she has a full-time job. (Sleep deprivation, anyone?)

I don’t know why we’ve gotten into these books. Maybe because any one of the scenes involving the Cornucopia could be a reenactment of every meal served at our dining table ever.

Believe me, Hellcat could give Katniss a serious run for her money, especially if it involved who got the pink Dora cup rather than the blue Toy Story one. The 4-year-old tribute is ruthless when it comes to plastic dinnerware.

Anyway, may the odds ever be in your favor.

And I’m referring to getting tickets.

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One More Word and the Pillow Pet Gets It: Cruel-and-Unusual Threats to Kids Fighting in the Backseat

13 Jan

Whether it’s a 2000-mile family road trip from hell or a five-minute dash to the store, kids in the backseat bicker. Constantly.

As a parent, your blood pressure spikes.

And then you get irrational.

“One more word and your mother will sing a Celine Dion medley with her shower voice for the next 25 miles!”
“Get along or I’ll post that baby picture of you two naked sporting shampoo mohawks and hugging on both your Facebook Walls!”

"I warned you kids."

“Remember that chili-cheese dog your dad ate at that gas station? The window lock is engaged, and on my signal, he napalms your squabbling little asses.”
“You kids ever see Thelma and Louise? Because if I hear ‘poopy head’ again, I will find a cliff.”
“As God as my witness, the next smarmy, grimy, bearded hitchhiker I see thumbing a ride is going to be sitting right between you two asking to share earbuds for the rest of this trip!”
“Stop it! Or so help me, you’ll have to sort and fold the entire Duggar family’s socks!”
“if u send 1 more mssge cmplaning about yur brthrs foot odr i will cncel yur txting plan!!!”
“Hit your sister again and your father and I will engage in an incredibly sensual and awkward public display of affection while picking you up from your next important social function! There will be tongue, I promise you.”
“That’s it: Mommy’s getting her Taser.”

(You can read the NickMom version of cruel-and unusual-threats by clicking here.)

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Family Photo Bombs: The Jerry Lewis Edition

6 Jan

We celebrated a seriously delightful Christmas with Kick Ass Wife’s family at a house we rented for a week in Driggs, Idaho. It was awesome.

On the last day, we took some pictures.

Perpetual Motion decided to do some photo bombing.

I’ll give P Motion the benefit of the doubt in this one. He’s got his usual Kermit-the-Frog picture smile as KAW and I refer to it, but the eye-closing could be a coincidence. Plus, Tax Credit #4 has kind of chosen his own focal point somewhere off in the distance, and his cousin is gazing down toward the bottom of the staircase. Also, my hair just isn’t laying right.

Okay, take two.

Noooooo!! This is the perfect family picture! For God’s sake, even the 2-year-old and 18-month-old are looking at the camera with their eyes open! Hellcat with her hand in her chin like she’s rocked the adorable child shot a 1000 times? And the missing front teeth? Hello? Sing along: All I want for Christmas are my…

This is frickin’ Hallmark gold, people! Gold I tell ya!

Except for the 5-year-old who is very clearly — and very purposefully now — scrunching up his face into a look that could probably best be described as “small boy stepping in fresh reindeer crap.”

But, alas, P Motion saved his best for last.

I give you The Nutty Professor.

At least his eyes are open.

I laugh so hard every time I look at this shot.

So maybe this is the perfect family picture.

*****

ECKO UPDATE:  He’s still alive. Six days and counting, y’all!

*****

Okay, time for a major-league pimping.

Of myself. (Don’t worry, I’m certified disease-free.)

At Aiming Low, you can read “Cussing More and 3 Other Achievable Goals for 2012.” I’ve pretty much given up on actual self-improvement, so I’ve decided to just get worse at the stuff I’m already bad at. You know, aim for the stars but settle for your head richocheting off the bottomside of a bartop type stuff.

At NickMom, you can check out my latest infographic: Foods Most Commonly Consumed When Staying at Grandma’s House. It’s a pie chart.

Over at Insert Eyeroll, I have a new satirical humor piece featured: “Area Man Claims iPhone’s Autocorrect Not Inappropriate Enough.” It’s a little vulgar in a fun-spirited way, like most great vulgar things. Writing these mock news pieces is a blast; the one downside is that they appear on a site that I’m pretty sure next-to-no one actually reads. Oh well. They’re still fun to write.

And speaking of sites no one looks at, I’ve done several new things at chasemcfadden.com, which both people who are subscribed to that site can attest to.

One concept I’m trying over at my narcissistically-named blog is a daily feature called 4@4, where I pull four interesting/strange/bizarre stories from the web, link to them, and then provide my own headline. And it posts at four 0′clock (somewhere between Eastern Standard Time and Hawaiian Standard Time). Thus, 4@4. This is the type of structured, highly-repeatable format that my writing needs. And that I’ll probably abandon after about a week.

As always, thanks for supporting me and my writing. As a wiser person than me once wrote, writing’s a lot like having an episiotomy: you’re putting yourself out there.

I hope that my stuff is at least occassionally putting you in stitches.

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Nanny Application: Justin Bieber

5 Jan

Justin Bieber is the latest subject in the series of nanny applications I’ve written for NickMom.

You can check out the rest of his application by clicking here. Belieb me, you’ll be glad you did (sorry).

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P Motion Gets His Gei(co)

4 Jan

Before Christmas, I Facebooked thusly:

Well, Santa didn’t leave either of those items under the tree for P Motion. Instead he left a pogo stick, along with a gift card redeemable at our local emergency room.

However, P Motion did get a lizard for his 6th birthday from his mom and dad.

IDIOT! Don’t you remember your own horrific tales of Hopper the Bastard Rabbit*?

Of course I remember. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that I’m not obligated to learn anything from my mistakes. In fact, it’s probably better if I don’t.

Plus the kid really wanted a lizard.

So KAW did the research, and last Friday a terrarium, 50 live crickets, and a hypo high yellow designer leopard gecko arrived at our house via UPS. And, yes, our car insurance went down 15% within 15 minutes of its arrival.

But P Motion’s birthday wasn’t until Monday.

For three days, the gecko now known as Ecko (really) lived in our bedroom closet. And, amazingly enough, we actually managed to keep all of the kids out.

However, we didn’t manage to keep all of the crickets in (feel free to insert a witty bit of entomological humor concerning insects coming out of a closet here). In fact, a cricket just went hopping across the kitchen floor as I write this. Swear.

But finally, Monday we gathered the crew, blindfolded our New Year’s Boy, told him to put his hands out, and sat his present on his hand.

Then we removed the blindfold.

Then we observed a reaction that is very non-typical P Motion (still and silent).

Then he let out a little squeak of disbelief.

Then he and Ecko were bum-rushed by his siblings, who were anything but still and silent. See for yourself.

A few observations:

1. Hellcat is three-quarters howler monkey as judged by the un-Godly decibel level used when speaking to (shouting at) others who are less than a half-foot away; the way that she bounces around on a near-continual basis; and her very hairy arms (and back).

2. Our furniture, which we’ve had for just about six months, isn’t likely to last another six months at the frenetic pace with which or children tromp all over it.

3. KAW is very quick to say that no, geckos don’t ever bite you.

4. Slim got those pajamas for Christmas. We refer to them as the Pink Bunny Pajamas from Aunt Clara.

5. Geckos feel like lizards.

6. Reptiles generally make for happy kids.

7. Ecko has to be thinking, “Son of a — why don’t little old ladies get geckos as pets?”

A week in, both boy and lizard are doing fine. Ecko has even shed his skin once, which seems very symbolic for the new year.

But then we think he ate it, which isn’t quite as symbolic.

*****

*Hopper Update: This past summer, I convinced P Motion that we should release Hopper from his hutch and let him run wild and unrestrained as all bastard animals that crap a lot should. I fully hoped expected that he’d be eaten by the neighbor’s dog or some other type of carnivore within a week.

He wasn’t. I’m happy to report that Hopper is still roaming the range, crapping frequently and freely.

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Cheap Christmas Gifts Kids Will Actually Play With: Air

24 Dec

Oh, man, pleeeasse let this be air.

It’s Christmas Eve and you’re still looking for that last perfect present for your younglings.

You’ve already arranged for a festive Christmas morning gravel dumping, and a handful of defunct electronic devices that your children sabotaged in the past year lay wrapped neatly beneath the tree, but you feel like there’s something missing. Something that will provide your children with that sense of wonderment and endless possibility that only the perfect gift can deliver.

And then you realize what it is, right there under your nose.

Well, actually, in your nose. And everywhere else.

The most inexpensive– and simplest — of the Cheap Christmas Gifts Kids Will Actually Play With is air, and it involves nothing more than closing an empty cardboard box, wrapping it, then waiting for the magic to ensue.

Oh, man, please let that not be breakable.

All parents have experienced that sense of bewilderment as they watch their kid cast aside that highly-sought-after (and often highly-expensive) toy on Christmas morning — the one thats acquisition involved bum-rushing the doors of Target at an ungodly hour and taking a fingernail file shiving to the kidney-region from an incensed, bargain-crazed grandmother and a liberal pepper-spraying from an over-zealous police officer outfitted in the season’s most stylish riot gear — to play with the three-cent box that kidney-costing toy came packaged in.

So why bother with the toy? The air that fills the empty space in that box will be just as gratifying to a young child.

However, if you really want to give the gift of nothingness, fill that empty box with packets of individually encased air in the form of bubble wrap, and you are going to provide off-the-charts joy. Just make sure that you have enough poppable packaging packets for each child in the family, because if you don’t, the fight they’ll have over who gets to squish them will make that Target toy aisle shopper scrum look like a friendly between opposing squads in the Mr. Rogers Soccer League for Passive and Abnormally Well-Mannered Children.

Total disappointment. That box actually did contain a shopping cart.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where you can get a really terrific box the day before Christmas, I hear that Target is having quite a sale on 72-inch flatscreen televisions.

Just don’t forget your body armor and safetly goggles.

*****

Merry Christmas, everyone! Here’s wishing you and yours extra-gravelly gravel, the finest in non-functioning electronic crap, and especially airy air wrapped in the sturdiest of cardboard boxes.

The Species Crew

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Negotiations in Second Grade Lunch Trade Reach Impasse

15 Dec

Iona, ID–Negotiations in the lunch trade between Clearview Elementary second graders Timmy Penderson and Bobby Franks have reached an impasse, with neither side showing any sign of weakening.

The talks, which have already stretched into an exhausting fifth minute and threatened to divide the students in this small cafeteria/gymanasium, have become increasingly heated as an 11:33 A.M. MST deadline — the beginning of lunch recess — looms.

According to a source close to the situation, the critical issue holding up the proposed swap — Penderson’s PB & J and three double-stuffed Oreos for Franks’ chocolate milk, pepperoni pizza Lunchable, and a candy to be named later — appears to be Penderson’s insistence that he be allowed to lick the filling off of one of the Oreos before the trade is finalized.

*****

You can read the rest of my latest satirical piece at Insert Eyeroll by clicking here.

That’s sort of like giving you an Oreo minus the filling, isn’t it? What an ass.

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Cheap Christmas Gifts Kids Will Actually Play With: Electronic Crap They Probably Broke in the First Place

7 Dec

Our family's tub-o-crap. Lot of fun in there.

All children are unique– be it their personality characteristics, physical qualities, or individual abilities to successfully pass small objects they’ve swallowed — but one attribute common to all kids is their innate knack for breaking stuff, particularly electronic devices.

Every parent’s been there: you have a fully-functional DVD player one minute, and the next minute — that minute right after a child loads a Lego into the front of it with the same delicate care Ndamukong Suh applies when removing a quarterback’s head  – the thing starts buzzing and whirring like R2-D2 hopped up on Red Bull.

So what to do with that now defunct $40 DVD player? Put it back in the original box you still have in the top of the linen closet for God-knows-what-reason, wrap it up, and put it under the tree. Boom! Like gravel, crap electronics is another of the Cheap Christmas Gift Kids Will Actually Play With.

How does this work? It works because if there is one thing kids like more than unintentionally breaking electronic devices, it is being given free-reign to purposefully and systematically demolish them. That one junk item you have? Suddenly it becomes a 1000 much smaller junk items that will entertain your kids for hours (okay, the “1000 much smaller junk items” piece of that sentence doesn’t seem too appealing, so just focus on the “entertain your kids for hours” part).

Slim took an art class at our YMCA which was based on this very principle. Kids were set loose with screwdrivers, pliers, and hammers and given the go-ahead to take apart an assortment of broken electronic devices. Then they created art from bits and pieces of what they’d been allowed to break apart into bits and pieces.

Hellcat, Slim, and friends getting their destruction/creation on.

THIS. IS. ALL. SLIM. TALKED. ABOUT.

He and his best buddy — and fellow Star Wars aficionado – worked on building a Clone Wars battleship in this class for weeks, which we were “lucky” enough to bring home once the class ended (admittedly, it seems unfair that his friend’s family didn’t get the pleasure of enjoying this creation in their own home, but don’t worry: at some point it will show up on their doorstep be shared with them, as well).

We have no shortage of broken electronic crap around — said DVD player, CD players, multiple laptops (remove the batteries) — so after seeing and hearing how geeked up Slim was about this activity, we let our crew loose.

MAGIC.

The simple act of removing a screw fascinated them. They clipped and pulled wires. When all else failed — and sometimes before all else failed — they resorted to the hammer.

The robot P-Motion recently created.

Exploration. Breakage without scolding. Rebuilding into new visions.

Seriously cool stuff. Creative, cheap (that crap had a monetary value at one time but now it’s just laying around), and fun. After all, who doesn’t like to break stuff?

So look around. You’ve gotta have some junk in a trunk somewhere. Find it and give it your kids. They’ll love it.

And just think: when you bought your new electronic stuff for Christmas this year, you were getting the kids’ gifts for next year at the same time.

Win-win, baby.

*****

Something that isn’t crap (but fun nonetheless) is Renee Jacobson’s series at her site Lessons From Teachers and Twits where guest bloggers reflect on teachers who impacted them either positively or negatively.

A piece I wrote about an influential teacher I had in high school is featured today. I am fortunate to have had many teachers who impacted my life in positive ways, but there’s one in particular who is most responsible for encouraging me to do what I am doing today, which is writing about how my kids break lots of things. With an emphasis on “writing.”

I’ve written about this individual’s influence before, but you can click here to learn more about what made a senior-level English teacher named Ms. Watne so special in my eyes.

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